5 Non-Annoying Ways to Monitor Your Tween’s Tech Use

by Nancy on October 8, 2012


This is a guest post by PR pro and writer, Elissa Freeman.  You can follow her on twitter at @ElissaPR

My 12 year old daughter is an average tween: slowly exploring adolescence, coming to grips with her changing body, occasionally mouthy (I will not bother to define ‘occasionally’ here) and now describes cute boys as “hot.”

Sound normal? Probably.  But when your kid suddenly regards the opposite sex as “hot” and not “ewww, he has cooties”, you’re inner parental alarm bell starts ringing.

So what to do? Experts say keep open lines of communication.  But communication nowadays is so much more than talking.  It’s texting, it’s facebook, it’s tumblr.  And yes, you have to keep on top of it all.

And that’s when I became a ‘tech-copter’ parent.  To be clear, this is completely different from being labeled the dreaded ‘helicopter’ parent.  While helicopter parents are known for their ‘over-bearing, over-parenting’, tech-coptering is my own definition of judiciously staying on top of your kids’ tech activity.

Yes, you can limit computer screen time, X-Box and Kinect-ing. But, once you get your tween a phone, it’s a different ball game altogether.  They enter the silent world of texting.  All you see is thumbs flying and the odd squeal of delight when a friend request is accepted.

Add to that a facebook account (no, you cannot keep them off of it forever) and tumblr pages – a popular micro-blogging platform that allows for creative self-expression – you need to develop a techno-dialogue with your tween.

Of course there is a fine balance between tech-coptering and just plain stalking your kids’ activities.  In a recent post,  Amy Oztanquickly realized her constant geo-location checks of her son’s school travel route was making her more – not less – neurotic. The result? She had to quit cold turkey.   

Through trial and error, here are five ways I’ve adopted to tech-copter my tweens’ cyber-activities:

The Toothpaste Theory:  A wise person once gave me this brilliant analogy: in the same way you can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube, once you text or post a picture, it’s almost impossible to take it back.  I often remind my daughter of this by uttering “toothpaste!” during mid-text as a reminder to be careful of the tone and words of her texts.

Read to me:  I do random text spot-checks by asking my tween to show me a conversation.  The chat is often amazingly banal; usually full of “lolz”, “wassup” and “cool”. It’s also a good way to ensure your tween’s texting isn’t turning into sexting. Gawd forbid.

Not THAT picture! My tween often posts pictures to her facebook page.  As her facebook friend, I can look through those pictures. On two occasions I gently asked her to take pictures down – and to ensure her friends don’t post them either. You would be amazed/shocked on how many tween/teen girls post bikini-clad pictures of themselves. Even though my request was met with an eyeroll, it sent a signal regarding what’s appropriate/inappropriate.

Know the password You should know your kids’ phone and computer passwords.  I don’t use them for spontaneous invasions of privacy, but she needs to know there shouldn’t be anything so secretive on her computer or her phone that I couldn’t see it.

Be a creative participant  If your tween keeps tumblr accounts, this is a great way to engage in the creative process as you can help curate pictures and posts together. Understanding what ignites their interests can spark meaningful conversation.

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Rachel, Backngroovemom October 8, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Great roundup – many of which I already employ with my tween boy who thinks some of the girls are ‘hot’ and just as earth shattering for me when I hear that :)
I do LOVE the code word like toothpaste and plan to make one up – with a story.
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elissapr October 11, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Thanks for dropping by, Rachel! The “toothpaste theory” works wonders in our house. I would imagine tech-monitoring a tween boy would have its own set of issues…!


Selfish Mom October 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Thanks for the mention! This is such a tricky thing to navigate.
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elissapr October 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm

You’re welcome, Amy! Right now, my DD is only 12 – I presume I’ll be writing another article about this very subject when she’s 15. Yikes!


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