It’s happening. The thing I feared the most as a girl’s mom has reared its ugly head: body image issues.
Since the day I found out I was having a girl, I have worried about passing down a positive body image or at least not passing down my negative one. All growing up, I was the girl who was bigger than all my friends. I was never fat, but I was tall and broad with a chest that looked fake before fake was the acceptable size. It was not easy and my battles with my curves have been frequent and long.
I swore as a mom I’d get my stuff together in time to give my girl the best chance at never going through what I did. And I did. I purposely changed the way I talk to myself. I made exercise a priority. I radically altered my diet by continuing to embrace my love of food but making different choices about what to cook and eat. I even became a Holistic Health Coach, who often works with tween and teen girls. Talk about walking the walk.
We don’t measure calories or restrict foods in our house. We try to eat well and foster a sense that food is nourishing and mealtime is fun. But we still have cookies and indulge in ice cream on hot summer days. We want our kids, boys and girls, to respect their bodies because of what they can do, not how they look. I am realistic in knowing that we’re fighting more than just our house when it comes to this issue, but I figured it we could get it right here, that’s more than half the battle.
The result of this effort, or so I thought, was this confident, quirky young lady with an outstanding personality, a unique sense of style and unstoppable confidence. She has her father’s long skinny legs, her aunt’s perfect rear and a beguiling combination of both her grandmothers’ big round and light eyes. She’s gorgeous and not even remotely fat. She’s got my broad shoulders and (I fear) might even have my chest, but it didn’t seem to matter to her.
She used to be in love with her life as only little girls can be. She never noticed she was the biggest girl in ballet class, her sweet baby belly pushing on her pink tutu. It never occurred to her that her size would prohibit even the skinniest of arts. She could be found checking herself out in the mirror, pleased with what she saw and she was never afraid to throw her hat in the ring for anything.
Then this summer came and I caught her pulling on her skin above her waistline, trying to smooth down imaginary folds. Or I’d catch her in her room, whispering about clothes from last year that didn’t fit as if somehow she caused the shorts to be snug. She has fixated on pictures of her stomach and cried to me about how “bad” she looks in them.
What now? Am I failing at communicating the way I set out or is this now beyond control? Is society and fashion really so powerful that it can undo all the messages sent from home?
I can’t believe that. I won’t believe that. I’ll continue to tell her she’s beautiful and smart and valuable no matter what her waistline. I’ll continue to teach her about nutrition and exercise because they are important to health, not size. I’ll love her through this and try to drown out the voices of the outside world and, even more frightening, the one that seems to be coming from inside her own head.
I just hope I can be louder than them all.
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The only thing I think a mother can do is be supportive of their child as they go through the many changes of their life. I’m sure there will be moments she feels as though she is not ‘up to par’ or times as though she wishes she looked another way, but as long as you are there for her to talk through all of these things, that is the best support she will get. No one will ever have the ‘perfect’ body; because it doesn’t exist!
Rachael recently posted..Faking It In Business
Wow, this hits home for me, as I’ve been dealing with these issues since my daughter turned 10. Like you I feared of passing on my “great & not so great” body characteristcs to my daughter.
My daughter surpassed her classmates in the chest area some time ago and was the first to start wearing a bra…which became the butt of teasing and jokes by both the girls and boys in her class. But that didn’t get her down because she is extremely confident with her body image (she’s such an amazing person!) I definitely wish i had the confidence she has
) Many will label her as chubby, but like yours, my daughter is also taller then most girls in her year and is a very active dancer.
Even when you tell your child(ren) how beautiful they are and thay everyone is made differently, it’s hard for it to resignate when society, friends, family etc.. are constantly drilling that everyone should look a certain way.
We just need to continue to be positve role models for our children and trust that what we’ve instilled in them will be enough to not make them question/doubt their body image too much.
I already encounter that with my 7 year old. While her brother boasts about strength, she waffles. Sometimes she is showing off her dance and gymnastics skills, proud of what she can do. Other times she is asking about her looks. We have had heart to hearts on hair, bellies, and height. She is also changing her style because she wants to look more like a “teenager,” which has resulted in many conversations. Fortunately her version of teenager is pretty mellow, but still. I hate that she is so affected by society and her friends and most of all by her own internal views. I am with you though Cristie. I believe we have to be able to make a difference and I will certainly keep trying to give her the positive messages and self confidence to at least make her question all this self doubt
I had many of the same issues growing up, and many of the same fears for my daughters. It’s made even worse because I have one daughter who is stockier (although certainly not chubby. She’s a gymnast and I can see her 6 pack) and another who has in the past been so thin we were told to add butter to anything she would eat. They are certainly aware of their differences, luckily not yet in a way that is negative for either.
I also try to focus on healthy food, healthy exercise and moderation of treats. They are so athletic that they have inspired *me* to exercise more, if only so that they know what I’m talking about when I say “I know it’s hard. Suck it up.”
On an interesting note regarding perception, I grew up with you, and I always thought of you as long and slender. I didn’t think of you as particularly tall (I’m not all that short myself) or overly busty. I did, in fact, envy you.
Becky recently posted..WiW: Week 99
Ugh. That just sucks. I go through it with my daughter too. The difference, though, is that she sees me weighing food and counting calories. Whenever she asks about it I tell her I’m trying to be healthy.
In truth, if I just ate like she did I’d be skinny! She’s thin and healthy and active and has nothing to worry about it. But still, she does. She was born a worrier, and with a history of anorexia in our family I’m worried about her.
I think all both of us can do is keep telling our daughters that they are awesome.
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